It has taken me a bit to consider writing about this experience. I can still feel it in my stomach if I think about it too much. I told a friend I took a small step closer to being a real farmer. Raising animals has been such a positive experience up to this point. Yes, the(is there any nice way of saying it) slaughter/butchering has its uncomfortable moments but this is something I have come to peace with. But all of the births of our calves and kids have gone so smoothly. I knew there would come a time when all would not go so perfectly.
The, not-so-perfect-time came. Our nanny Taffy had labored far too long. I knew something wasn't right but I didn't know what to do. I consulted my book and then finally I called my friend with all of the experience. I needed to assist our nanny but encountered a problem that was beyond my or my friends ability to rectify. To spare the difficult details we needed to make an extremely difficult decision. I've butchered several pigs, and more chickens than I care to count, but putting this goat down was more difficult than I could have imagined.
What was so different? When I began assisting, I felt like a hero. When I realized I was not able to do anything, that things were beyond my ability to help I was sick. (I am finishing this entry on 4/24/14) There is no joy in losing a nanny and two beautiful kids. Precisely at the time so traditionally filled with joy and celebration, the sense of loss was significantly increased. I cannot imagine the grief experienced by expectant parents losing an infant, let alone a husband and expectant father losing both a wife and a child. Fortunately, in my experience, it was a nanny and 2 goat kids. And yet I admit, the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach was very real and lingered for weeks/months. I can still feel it as I review this entry that I started almost 4 years ago now.
We no longer have goats, we will again, I am sure. But I still reflect on my experiences of raising goats, pigs, chickens, and cattle in Virginia. I learned a great deal about patience, and empathy, and redemption, respect and dignity, and a few other things. I look forward to engaging that work again some day. For now I have my cattle to care for, and for now, that is enough.
